Hello everyone! I hope I have found you well. Winter is winding down and spring will be here soon! This weather until late has been dreadful. I don’t know about you guys, but I have been in a total funk. I’d like to blame it on the dreary winter and recovering from the flu, but I know it is a little more that. While those have played into said funk, the common denominator of it all is something different. Today I wanted to talk about something that has been heavy on my heart lately. Okay, this is always on my heart, but lately I feel like I am on the verge of a full-on breakdown. No joke. I admit, I am fairly open with a lot in my life though I have not always been this way. As I have gotten older I have come to realize that my sharing provides two things: 1. It is therapeutic. Now, this doesn’t mean that I am going to share any and everything, but it does mean I don’t have to close off the world and just “deal with it” like I have so many times in the past. 2. I have learned that sharing is helpful to others. Just as those have helped me by sharing their journey, I want to help others by sharing mine. While not all of what I say may be relatable to everyone, the hope that I can help just one person and that makes it all worth it.
Today I want to share with you a struggle that a lot of people feel uncomfortable around and don’t like to hear about unless there is a certain outcome, a.k.a. a happy ending. I’m talking about infertility. Now, before you think eehh, uncomfortable, no thanks and click off this page please bear with me. It’s okay to get out of your comfort zone!
When I look back, I didn’t always want to have children. I used to be that girl who didn’t feel the need to raise children in a messed-up world and possibly subject those future children to some of the same misfortunes that I had to go through. I was a little doom and gloom about the whole thing really. The world had enough kids, enough problems, why bring more into it? Then as I became older I felt pressured to have children. This was frustrating and it repulsed me from the idea of having kids even more. I’m not sure why being in your mid-twenties without children in the Midwest was such an anomaly. People would seriously be taken aback when I told them my age, that I wasn’t married and didn’t’ have any children. I apparently was an oddity. Had it not been for my family living in this area, I would have moved possibly as far away from there as possible. Fast forward quite a few years and I get married. We settle down and the idea of children becomes more appealing. I stop taking birth control and we just see what happens. We actively tried for a little bit and then I got into a second degree accelerated bachelor’s program so we put in on hold again. Fast forward past school and the effort to become pregnant resumes. It’s now going on 6 years since initially trying. There have been countless ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, transvaginal ultrasounds, hormones, fertility drugs, injections, now IUI’s.
Now, before you start analyzing what is wrong and tests my doctor should perform on me…been there done that. Aside from my endometriosis “nothing” is wrong with me. Everything should be working. My blood levels are all in optimal range, my hormone levels are where they need it be, there are no blockages, etc. I have undergone a multitude of tests, altered my diet, had surgery, consumed and injected myself with hormones and drugs I said I never would. Some of the medication I was taking not only treated infertility, but also cancer-what?!? I feel like there is a lot of pressure on the woman when fertility issues exist. You also start to feel a desperation when your options are dwindling and you have not had any success. Not only are you emotional, but the hormones do not help. The other day I was watching a movie and just sobbing! Ya, there was an emotional element to this movie, but not anywhere near the extent I took it. I’m not talking about some tears running down my cheeks. I was ugly crying, then pair that with an upper respiratory infection so I am uncontrollably coughing and crying! I’m sure it was a ridiculous site! Luckily, I was home alone so no one had to witness that hot mess. So, what about my counterpart? Everything is fine there too. It’s really frustrating when you clearly have something going on, yet all the tests say you’re fine. Through all of this I have never had a positive pregnancy test. WTH! While I am grateful that I have not had to go through the pain of a miscarriage in this journey, there is still a loss of hope of not getting that optimism of growing a new life inside of you.
This whole thing has seriously been exhausting. While I have found strength in my relationship with God, I have struggled as well. I have questioned the existence of my marriage, if we are meant to have children together, am I meant to have children with someone else? Can we just adopt already? It has made me question myself as a woman, as a wife and my purpose in life. While I still struggle with my true purpose I have come to better terms with who I really am and my role here on earth. I will never know Gods plan, but I can try my hardest to do what would be right in his eyes.
So, to occupy myself I stay busy. I am involved in my church through several committees and side projects. I have this blog, I’m getting certified as a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner and I work as an advocate with one of the most progressive companies in the skincare industry. Oh, and my full-time job. While I love doing each of these things, if I am not careful I can get burnt out pretty easily.
Enter my funk. Everything is accumulating right now and I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally. I am trying to care and be motivated. I know it will get better, but sometimes it is hard to see that optimistic glow at the end of the tunnel. I would love to wake up with those rose glasses on feeling invigorated and full of energy. That is how I felt last year. Like I was unstoppable and ready to take on the world. I want that person back! Even though I know I won’t wake up tomorrow feeling 100%, I do know I will feel better with each day and I will get there. I can see who I want to be and the steps I need to take to get there. While I don’t know how this journey will end, I will not let it be the end of me. I think it is so easy to lose ourselves in this ideal we feel we need to fit into. Seeing past that and focusing on what is truly important in life allows us to overcome it. It’s okay to hurt, to be lost, to want to give up, but don’t lose sight of what is truly important.
Each day is a new day for growth, strength and recovery. To become a better person, a better partner, friend, and neighbor. Life isn’t easy and I don’t expect it to be. If it were we would all be ungrateful and boring in my opinion. So, I am going to chalk up my challenges to character and relatability, and hope that someone who may be going through the same type of thing may see light shining through a dreary sky.
